From “I Am Wrong” to “I Did Wrong”: How Shame Changes the Story
In therapeutic spaces, shame often arrives quietly. It’s the inner whisper that says “I am not enough” - a message about our being, not our behaviour. The author Brené Brown describes shame as the intensely painful belief that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, or connection.
Guilt, on the other hand, is about what we did. It’s the discomfort that arises when our actions fall out of alignment with our values. Guilt says, “I did something I’m not proud of.” Shame says, “I am something I’m not proud of.”
Guilt can be corrective. Shame is corrosive.
Where guilt invites repair, shame invites hiding.
A Simple Example
Imagine you forget to return a friend’s call during a difficult week.
Guilt might sound like: “I should have called her back. That wasn’t the friend I want to be.” There’s room here for reconnection, apology, and repair.
Shame might sound like: “I’m a terrible friend. I always let people down.” The focus shifts from the behaviour to your identity - and the possibility of repair collapses under self‑judgment.
A Personal Moment From My Own Practice
A few years ago, during a particularly full season of work and study, I facilitated a group session where I felt I wasn’t as present as I wanted to be. I noticed myself fumbling for words, losing my thread, and feeling slightly scattered. Later that evening, as I replayed the session in my mind, two very different internal voices emerged.
The guilt voice said: “I wasn’t as grounded as I usually am. I want to prepare differently next time so I can show up more fully.”
But the shame voice - the one that speaks from old stories - said: “You’re not good enough to be doing this work. How dare you say one thing but do another – you are a fraud and you know it”
That shame voice didn’t care about the context, the fatigue, or the reality that the group still had a meaningful experience. It went straight for my identity.
What shifted things for me was pausing, placing a hand on my heart, and naming what was actually true: I care deeply about the people I work with. I was tired. I did my best. And my worth as a practitioner is not defined by one imperfect moment.
That small act of self‑compassion softened the shame enough for me to return to the more grounded, truthful voice of guilt - the one that simply said, “Next time, give yourself more space beforehand.”
Why This Matters in Therapy
Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. When we name it, gently and without judgment, it begins to loosen its grip. In therapeutic work, helping people distinguish between “I did something I regret” and “I am something unworthy” can be profoundly liberating.
It opens the door to self‑compassion, repair, and a more truthful relationship with ourselves.
An invitation for Reflection: Think of a recent moment that left you feeling small or “not enough.” Was it the behaviour that troubled you, or the meaning you attached to it?
If you’re ready to work with these patterns in a supportive, shame‑aware space, I invite you to connect with me for supervision or therapeutic support.
Other services available for immediate support include:
13 HEALTH 13 43 25 84
Kids Help Line 1800 551 800 - kidshelpline.com.au
Mensline Australia 1300 789 978
Lifeline 13 11 14 or https://www.lifeline.org.au
Salvation Army 1300 36 36 22
